If you can't say amen...

I don't know what your spiritual background is like, but mine is Christian. I'm a Torah observant Christian now but I came up in a non-denominational congregation here in Colorado. There were many times that I recalled guest pastors coming in to preach from other churches nationwide and it was always something I enjoyed (well most always). One thing that stands out so vividly in my mind is one particular minister that delivered a poignant message that really challenged people to look at themselves and areas of compromise and what he said was "if you can't say amen, just say ouch". This line became something I heard a bit more often over time, but I'll never forget that first time.

So here I am, challenged to say AMEN, struggling to keep my usual cheery disposition and optimistic outlook on things (maybe because I’m sleepy!) and all I can think is OUCH!

Is it supposed to hurt like this? Surely when I decided to marry it wasn't with the thought in mind that things would end. But it also wasn't with the thought in mind that my married life would look the way that it did, riddled with pain and heartache, the worst of fights and on and on. So OUCH!

This has got to be the most difficult decision I've ever had to make (although I can think of another that was insanely difficult). It's especially hard when right now things give that illusion that they have so many other times. The appearance that we could maybe be ok if we _________ fill on the blank. (I've filled it with many different thoughts, actions and ideas)

The truth is I've kept myself just busy enough that I haven't had to think about it thoroughly and now I know I need to. But opening that book means remembering some chapters that I'd rather never revisit; it means dealing with me and my areas of insecurity, the not so pretty characteristics.... The stuff, you know! That STUFF!   Sigh

And maybe that's what it takes... Maybe it also takes rest. I always feel rejuvenated in the morning :-) so that'll be my first move. Sleep!

I think in the morning I'll be back to AMEN, but for now I'll admit to "ouch".