So. I woke up after a very restless 2.5 hours of sleep, and after turning and rolling and trying for a bit more I've realized that sometimes sleeping doesn't cure our woes. Especially when you can't get any.
I have always been an emotion stuffer, I learned from an early age that it's not always appropriate to wear every emotion on your face. I remember it being take your daughter to work day and my mom was cross with me at lunch time for a reason I don't remember. As we walked in the parking garage from her car back to the building one of her co-workers was walking toward us, my mother shot me one of those "tighten up or else" looks and I promptly put on my most pleasant smile. Pleasant but fake. I don't know why, but that moment seemed to define how I viewed a lot of my life. Things like "never let them see you sweat" played in my mind even at times when it made sense to be vulnerable and hurt. Now I by no means mastered the technique for successful non-public perspiration living too the point that my emotions would at times over whelm me and take over. But I always regretted these displays after.
So anyway, I learned to stuff. I trained myself not to cry for very long, especially not if someone could see me. I would push my emotions down to a more manageable place until I was in a physical position to deal with them (at home). But ohhhhh the consequences of such "self control" tactics. My stuffing became so severe I could hardly allow myself an emotional display in my own solitude. Those tears meant something about me, that I was weak in a particular area or some other reprehensible idea in my mind. The only useful place for these expressions was in my relationships....yeah right. If you stuff enough, you can't express yourself in a useful way it's just bitter, unforgiving, unresolved anger and hurt. That's a recipe for disastrous communication and unfair fighting.
But I did it. Matter of fact up until this moment i don't think I ever really considered the consequence of it all. But I've had an extra couple of hours to think about it this morning....
So here you go. My heart hurts, I mean really hurts over this marriage. Divorce and separation is like a death in the family. It's seeing every dream I held onto be ripped out of my heart and mercilessly destroyed moment by moment. It's knowing that there is no possible way I can recreate the lost time and moments and feeling lost and defeated about it all. It's every question you don't want to ask, but your soul needs an answer to: did I try my best, did I give my all, was it because of ______, will I ever have what I dreamt of? Where do I go now?
I'm so angry and so sad and so hurt. I wanted to sleep off that last conversation we had, but my little 2.5 hours of sleep was no where near the week long coma that I needed.
Sometimes sleeping doesn't give you rest, not if you clutter your brain and heart up with every unprocessed emotion you've felt.
Hi- my name is Delijah and I need to get some real sleep. Period.
